Mere Raises A Baby

Sorry in advance, future generations!

Substandard Spatial Awareness Rides Again

OHMYGODYOUGUYS. Have you ever tried to put together a puzzle while someone is blowing up bombs for fun all around you? No, but sounds interesting? Read on to find out what happened to me tonight.

SO, let’s start with the fun fact: I won a car seat! Yay! Not just any car seat, I won a super awesome Britax Advocate 70-G3. Baby A now officially rides in the car in a car seat that is more expensive and more luxurious than my driver’s seat. Good for Baby A! How did I win this most excellent prize? I’ll get to that later. First, my ridiculous.

I had absolutely no idea that I would even be presented with the possibility of going home with a new car seat today, and I certainly wouldn’t have expected the Advocate (Which is monstrous!) even if someone had said “Hey, FYI, one of you might get to take home a car seat tonight.” Someone offered to help me take the thing out to my car which I declined, citing my shame regarding my car’s consistent super messy status. But in hindsight an extra hand might have been helpful, even if it would have come along with a set of eyes to witness the hilarity of what was about to ensue. Anyway – I was on my own. Carried that box (that BIG OL’ BOX) out of the hotel and straight to my car, which I had (thanks to my dad the former UPS driver) neatly backed in to my parking spot. As I crossed the parking lot I noticed the noisy, ever-growing swarm of grackles lining the trees, building, and utility wires. An extra flock of the creepy birds swooped overhead, as if the thousands of beady eyes and squawking beaks in the trees wasn’t enough already. Gross.

PS, If you’re not from here, you might not be aware of our grackle problem. Yes, Austin is known for its large population of bats (“Austin is home to the largest urban colony of Mexican free-tail bats in North America.” – Mandatory Austin Facts) but we also have a cray cray amount of grackles, and because this city insists on celebrating the weirdest freaking facts, we have a festival in honor of these noisy, obnoxious, creepy little birds. ANYWAY.

Realizing that the front seat was probably my best bet for getting this sucker home, I opened the front door and proceeded to…I’m not sure, “wedge,” maybe(?) the car seat into the car between the front passenger seat and the dashboard. Um, no. Not going to work. So I reclined the seat all the way and pushed it back as far as it would go, but this time it was the door itself that got in my way. As in, “the box is so big that it literally does not fit through my car door.” Well, great. Ok, back seat this time.

Now, it’s important to remember that Baby A’s current car seat (the not-quite-as-fancy but still pretty awesome Britax Boulevard) is installed, rear-facing, in the middle of the back seat of my car. FML. Back to the front seat, this time to lean the seat all the way forward and slide it as close to the dash as it will go. Back to the back seat, start trying to fit this ginormous box on the seat. And then, over the roar of the cackling grackles, I hear a metallic THUNK. Not thinking much of it, I continue to fight with the box. And then I hear it again. This time more of a “splat.” OH HECK NO. The damn grackles are in the tree above me, and they’re crapping on my car. With me standing right next to it. Suddenly, I’m acutely aware of the several little piles of bird plop dotting the roof of the back end of my car. Right next to where I’m standing. I’m basically no better than a target at this point. Great.

Having zero luck getting the box to fit in the car next to Baby A’s car seat and completely unwilling to attempt removing Baby A’s car seat because it would take me forfreakingever to get the thing back in by myself later on (alas the 2006 Honda Civic is not one of the lucky models that will accommodate LATCH in the middle), I try the other side of the back seat for no good reason, since if the thing didn’t fit in one side it’s completely unlikely to fit on the other. I did make one really important discovery when I swapped sides though. I discovered a very important fire ant bed on the ground near my car. Specifically, on the ground near my car where my foot was currently located. One thing Austin has more of than grackles and bats together is fire ants. Even Austin isn’t crazy enough to celebrate the fire ant, the most vile of all the ants. Luckily, only one got me before I realized what was going on. But still. It’s been like 2 hours and my foot still hurts. Bastard fire ant.

Anyway. I finally come to the conclusion that there is only one way to get this mofo in my car in one piece, and that is to do it in two pieces. So I pop the box open, the car seat itself goes on the front seat of my car (awkwardly, though, because you guys, it is a BIG FREAKING CAR SEAT), I rip the rest of the tape off of the box to break it down and kind of shove it in the back seat between the backs of my front seats and Baby A’s car seat. It worked kind of. But kind of was well enough to get me home.

SO, long story but that is how I ended up with a new car seat, a need for a car wash, and a swollen foot.

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The Pre-Baby Series: Sammich Mind Games

The Pre-Baby Series
During my pregnancy, I wrote a few blog entries that I intended to post over on that other blog but never really got around to it. Oh well, no one’s loss is your gain! This entry is part of the pre-baby series, written at some point between March and July of 2012 while I was pregnant with Baby A. It was likely written while I was at work, but I can’t guarantee that (for “I might need a reference from them someday” reasons). Anyway – enjoy!

I loooove me some sandwiches.  Joey from Friends and I are totally kindred spirits in that regard.  I’m not such a “meatball sub” kinda girl, I’m more a “load me up on veggies” lady.  And since I’m off deli meat for a while, I’ve been ordering a LOT of veggie sandwiches lately.

There’s a sandwich chain just about a half mile from where I work.  It’s perfect: Never busy, friendly staff, and AWESOME extras.  Like, I can steal an entire cup of pickles and nobody cares.  It’s the best.  So at least once a week I’m in there ordering my veggie sandwich.  And now the mindfreak: I always order the sandwich the same way.  “Can I please have a veggie on flatbread” is pretty standard for me.  And what I get is always technically a veggie sandwich on flat bread.  But I have never, ever, ever gotten the same sandwich twice.  Today it was tons and tons of shredded lettuce, a couple of tomatoes, a mountain of olives, and some Italian dressing.  Last week?  Guacamole, lettuce, tomato, onion, a few olives, and some cheese.

Part of me wants to ask them what the deal is with their freestyle sandwich making.  Do they just decide “This girl looks like she probably wants guacamole” or “I bet she wants a lot of olives” (for the record, I never want a lot of olives)?  Are they creating the veggie sandwich that they would make for themselves?  Nobody ever asks any follow-up questions about what I want on it or don’t want on it.  But the other part of me has come to love the mystery.  I do thoroughly enjoy getting back to work and unwrapping my prize, just to see what’s in it.

Sure, I could stand there and dictate exactly what I want and where they should put the pickles and how many onions I want on there, but that would kind of take the joy out of my sandwich mind games.  Where everyone’s a winner!

Post pregnancy edit: You guys, I have eaten so damn many sandwiches in the past year. Next time I have a baby invest in deli meat stock around my 3rd trimester because as soon as kiddo is born you know I’m going to eat like three sandwiches a day for months. AND IT WILL BE AWESOME.

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Rebel Without A Cake

Today on this installment of “Thoughts that are too long to put on Twitter but don’t really qualify for their own blog post”

Why is there always a “rebel” team on Cupcake Wars? Like “Oh, we’re kitchen rebels and we do things that nobody else does like put OMG JALAPENOS in our CUPCAKES (Which, wouldn’t that just make them muffins? Where is the line here?) and we wear retro hairstyles and your grandma’s apron and HOT PINK LIPSTICK and we like to say things like ‘We make our own rules’ even though there are only so many rules you can break before your ingredients just refuse to become cupcakey.” And besides, what do the “non-rebel” bakers make? Just regular cakes? Muffins? Donuts?

If getting a tattoo and baking cupcakes for a living is your idea of rebelling, I imagine that you were the kid in middle school who was really terrified to get in trouble but desperately wanted to break the rules so you drew a tiny picture on the inside of the bathroom stall in pencil. YOU REBEL YOU.

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The Pre-Baby Series: I’m A Pod.

The Pre-Baby Series
During my pregnancy, I wrote a few blog entries that I intended to post over on that other blog but never really got around to it. Oh well, no one’s loss is your gain! This entry is part of the pre-baby series, written at some point between March and July of 2012 while I was pregnant with Baby A. It was likely written while I was at work, but I can’t guarantee that (for “I might need a reference from them someday” reasons). Anyway – enjoy!

You know those old TV shows or movies or whatever where through some weird quirk of science or magic two people ended up sharing a body? And remember how it almost never worked out for both people, because two individuals with separate brains and free will were most definitely not meant to share one body? That’s kind of been my life for the past five and a half months.

There have been many adorable moments. Miracle of pregnancy and all that. There have, however, been some moments that remind me that while I’m gearing up for a lifetime of raising a son that I will be super proud of, I’m apparently also signing up for raising someone who is a lot like me (We’re pretty sure he’s mine, after all!) and therefore can kind of be a pill sometimes.

I give you some of our ongoing battles:

Baby-Imposed Bed Rest (Months 1-3)
APPARENTLY, this kid likes to lie in bed watching Parks & Recreation on Netflix and eating Saltines. Because that’s pretty much all I could do for several weeks. “What’s that you say, Mom? You’d like to get up and eat normal food go to work and have a normal life? TOO BAD!”
Winner: Callispawn. No way am I risking puking all over myself and my car while trying to get to work, or engaging in a lovely 5 minute dry-heave fest in front of my co-workers. Saltines and Netflix it is.

Early Bird vs. The Worm
Kid’s an early riser. As he has gotten bigger and stronger, he has started to wake me up around the same (ungodly) hour every morning. You really haven’t lived until someone has kicked your bladder from less than an inch away. Without fail, every morning, he’s mosh-pitting away there in my belly, ready for me to wake up and feed him something for breakfast. Unfortch for him, I likely worked until midnight and just barely crawled in to bed a few short hours ago.
Winner: Mere. Jump all you want, baby, this beast ain’t moving. You’ll get your Special K the same time you always do: later.

No Quiero Taco Bell
I didn’t like Mexican food when I was a kid, and it seems that the Callispawn is no different. My parents and their friends frequented the amazing, amazing Herbert’s Taco Hut in San Marcos, however, I spent my earliest years eating tortilla chips with those little tubs of Country Crock and thinking that hamburgers were Mexican food. What was wrong with me?! Anyway, now I’m a huge fan of awesome Tex-Mex. You really can’t go wrong with a plate full of sauce, meat, cheese, and zero nutritional value. Callispawn’s not such a fan! He likes to reward my semi-weekly bean & cheese burrito indulgence with some scorching (and I mean scorching) heartburn.
Winner: Mere (With an assist from my new BFF Tums!) I ate Saltines for weeks when it was your turn, kiddo. Deal with my burritos for another 4 months. Love you!

Coco-No Way
I kind of started to love coconut water about a year ago when I got really in to Bikram yoga. I was practicing several times a week and noticed a huge difference when I drank anything besides water (like soda or juice) before or after class. So I tried coconut water just to get some variety and it was amazing! Also, I freaking LOVE coconut. Callispawn? Not so much. For a while, it was just mild discomfort after I’d drink it, which happens sometimes and wasn’t a big deal. Until the day that I took one to work, drank half, and got the worst heartburn of my life. Makes the burrito heartburn look like…I don’t even know what. It was “go home and puke” bad.
Winner: Callispawn, hands down. No amount of Tums is fixing that. Got it, we’re off the coconut water. Ugh it kind of turns my stomach to even think about it right now.

I’m a belly sleeper. Big time. For me, there is nothing as comforting or rewarding as plopping facedown in to my bed at the end of a ridiculous day and staying that way for at least 8 hours. Apparently, it’s super uncomfortable to sleep on your belly when it’s the size of a basketball. (Try it! For funsies, put a half-deflated basketball in your bed and try to sleep on it. IDK if that’s really what it feels like but I just wanted to see if you would do it.) Also there’s the whole thing about not really wanting to squash this little person that D and I have created.
Winner: Callispawn. That’s an easy one.

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