Mere Raises A Baby

Sorry in advance, future generations!

Substandard Spatial Awareness Rides Again

on August 21, 2013

OHMYGODYOUGUYS. Have you ever tried to put together a puzzle while someone is blowing up bombs for fun all around you? No, but sounds interesting? Read on to find out what happened to me tonight.

SO, let’s start with the fun fact: I won a car seat! Yay! Not just any car seat, I won a super awesome Britax Advocate 70-G3. Baby A now officially rides in the car in a car seat that is more expensive and more luxurious than my driver’s seat. Good for Baby A! How did I win this most excellent prize? I’ll get to that later. First, my ridiculous.

I had absolutely no idea that I would even be presented with the possibility of going home with a new car seat today, and I certainly wouldn’t have expected the Advocate (Which is monstrous!) even if someone had said “Hey, FYI, one of you might get to take home a car seat tonight.” Someone offered to help me take the thing out to my car which I declined, citing my shame regarding my car’s consistent super messy status. But in hindsight an extra hand might have been helpful, even if it would have come along with a set of eyes to witness the hilarity of what was about to ensue. Anyway – I was on my own. Carried that box (that BIG OL’ BOX) out of the hotel and straight to my car, which I had (thanks to my dad the former UPS driver) neatly backed in to my parking spot. As I crossed the parking lot I noticed the noisy, ever-growing swarm of grackles lining the trees, building, and utility wires. An extra flock of the creepy birds swooped overhead, as if the thousands of beady eyes and squawking beaks in the trees wasn’t enough already. Gross.

PS, If you’re not from here, you might not be aware of our grackle problem. Yes, Austin is known for its large population of bats (“Austin is home to the largest urban colony of Mexican free-tail bats in North America.” – Mandatory Austin Facts) but we also have a cray cray amount of grackles, and because this city insists on celebrating the weirdest freaking facts, we have a festival in honor of these noisy, obnoxious, creepy little birds. ANYWAY.

Realizing that the front seat was probably my best bet for getting this sucker home, I opened the front door and proceeded to…I’m not sure, “wedge,” maybe(?) the car seat into the car between the front passenger seat and the dashboard. Um, no. Not going to work. So I reclined the seat all the way and pushed it back as far as it would go, but this time it was the door itself that got in my way. As in, “the box is so big that it literally does not fit through my car door.” Well, great. Ok, back seat this time.

Now, it’s important to remember that Baby A’s current car seat (the not-quite-as-fancy but still pretty awesome Britax Boulevard) is installed, rear-facing, in the middle of the back seat of my car. FML. Back to the front seat, this time to lean the seat all the way forward and slide it as close to the dash as it will go. Back to the back seat, start trying to fit this ginormous box on the seat. And then, over the roar of the cackling grackles, I hear a metallic THUNK. Not thinking much of it, I continue to fight with the box. And then I hear it again. This time more of a “splat.” OH HECK NO. The damn grackles are in the tree above me, and they’re crapping on my car. With me standing right next to it. Suddenly, I’m acutely aware of the several little piles of bird plop dotting the roof of the back end of my car. Right next to where I’m standing. I’m basically no better than a target at this point. Great.

Having zero luck getting the box to fit in the car next to Baby A’s car seat and completely unwilling to attempt removing Baby A’s car seat because it would take me forfreakingever to get the thing back in by myself later on (alas the 2006 Honda Civic is not one of the lucky models that will accommodate LATCH in the middle), I try the other side of the back seat for no good reason, since if the thing didn’t fit in one side it’s completely unlikely to fit on the other. I did make one really important discovery when I swapped sides though. I discovered a very important fire ant bed on the ground near my car. Specifically, on the ground near my car where my foot was currently located. One thing Austin has more of than grackles and bats together is fire ants. Even Austin isn’t crazy enough to celebrate the fire ant, the most vile of all the ants. Luckily, only one got me before I realized what was going on. But still. It’s been like 2 hours and my foot still hurts. Bastard fire ant.

Anyway. I finally come to the conclusion that there is only one way to get this mofo in my car in one piece, and that is to do it in two pieces. So I pop the box open, the car seat itself goes on the front seat of my car (awkwardly, though, because you guys, it is a BIG FREAKING CAR SEAT), I rip the rest of the tape off of the box to break it down and kind of shove it in the back seat between the backs of my front seats and Baby A’s car seat. It worked kind of. But kind of was well enough to get me home.

SO, long story but that is how I ended up with a new car seat, a need for a car wash, and a swollen foot.

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