Mere Raises A Baby

Sorry in advance, future generations!

Crazy-Train of Thought

on June 19, 2014

For most of my life I’ve been a bit of a runner – I played a lot of soccer as a kid and teenager so I did a lot of running on my own time to stay in shape and I ran a lot in college to stay fit. I kinda fell off the running wagon in my later 20s but the past few months I have picked it up again and it’s actually going really well. At the same time, finding time to do some exercise while I’ve got the kid in my care isn’t always easy (He hates the play room at my gym, bummer!) so lately we have been taking lots of long walks on the trails in our neighborhood. He likes it because they all lead to parks (most of them lead to several parks, actually) and I like it because I get some exercise and some outdoor playtime.

Very recently, I got brave and started running certain parts of the trails with the jogging stroller. Let me tell you, IT IS RIDICULOUS. It’s the kind of decision that I instantly regret as soon as I start. Good runners will tell you that a lot of running is mental and that mental toughness can get you through even the most grueling runs. I, however, am a pretty terrible runner, and want to share my running misery with all of you. Here are the thoughts that inevitably go through my head every time I run with that damn stroller:

1. Doo bee doo, running down the trail, I bet I look adorable pushing my cute baby down the trail, look how cute we are everybody!
2. Ugh it’s so freaking hot. I hope the kid is enjoying the extra breeze he’s getting thanks to my fabulous speed.
3. HOLY SHIT is that a snake?
4. Oh nope, it’s a stick.
5. I wonder how many snakes are out here. And squirrels. And bears.
6. I bet a bear is watching me right now. If I were a bear, where would I be hiding?
7. Could I fight off a bear if one attacked me? What would I do? Try not to look delicious. I should probably have a bear plan.
8. Beer plan. Beer sounds super good right now.
9. HOLY SHIT is that a snake??
10. Nope, ‘nother stick.
11. OMG seriously, so hot. And how is this entire trail uphill?
12. This stroller weighs a million pounds. I’m not even kidding. It’s basically a pack animal. WTF did we bring with us?
13. Oh hi, other runner, you look so fresh and happy running along all by yourself, unencumbered by the steel and nylon chariot of your offspring. Ok I don’t really know what strollers are made of.
14. I hate this. I hate it so much. But I can’t stop because everyone else will see me stop and then they will know I’m a weenie. RUN!
15. 26 lbs of stroller, 34 lbs of kid, 5 lbs of extra crap, I am literally pushing 65 lbs up this stupid hill right now.
16. Look at the kid, he isn’t even impressed by how awesome I am being right now.
17. Oh crap, he lost his shoe. Where’s his freaking shoe? Oh wait no, it’s still there.
18. I’m dying. I’m never going to finish this. We are going to have to live here, in the woods, forever. My child will become feral. This is how it ends.
19. Ahh shade, bathe me in your shadowy greatness!
20. Oh running downhill and in the shade really isn’t so bad. Oh wait I’m not actually pushing the stroller, it’s just rolling away from me while I jog behind it.
21. HOLY SHIT is that a snake?!
22. That one may have been a snake. Gross. I could never live outside.
23. And what is that smell? Outside is disgusting.
24. Yes I see you, biker. Good for you, yes you’re very fast, we are all impressed. Don’t run me over.
25. OOOOOH I see the end of the trail! Run! Run like the wind!
26. Ok, lots of people over here, try not to look like you’re dying. CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.
27. Wow the end of the trail looked a lot closer. Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die. Seriously, is someone MOVING the end of the trail?
28. YESSS DONE! Ok be cool. Get some water…push this GODAWFUL contraption (the stroller, not the kid) to a shady spot…sit down gracefully DO NOT FLOP ONTO THE BENCH LIKE A DISGUSTING WET TOWEL you are not an animal!
29. I lived! That sucked!

PS Guys one time it really was a snake. A big one. It was horrifying.

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